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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
“Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!”
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet.
“Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.”
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
“Don’t think so.”
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
“Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.”
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
“Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.”
“You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.”
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
“Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.”
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
“Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
“Parker? Are you talking to me?”
“Well I’m not talking to myself.”
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
“This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.”
“Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …”
“You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously.
“Should you want I bow wow?”
“Holy cow! Parker you are talking.”
“Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …”
“I can’t believe this.”
“Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.”
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
“I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Afraid not.”
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
“Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?”
“Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.”
“You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?”
“Four hundred.”
“Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.”
“Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?”
“Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.”
“That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?”
“Yeah.”
“She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.”
“You are kidding me?”
“She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.”
“You know this from the smell of possum poop?”
“Excrement.”
“Whatever.”
“Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?”
“Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …”
“Penis?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Jealous are we?”
“Well, it’s just that …”
“It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.”
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.”
“No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.”
“No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.”
“You done? Can I get to my concern?”
“Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.”
“How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?”
“You mean global warming?”
“It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.”
“Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.”
“We don’t know dramatic.”
“Well give me examples of what you mean.”
“First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.”
“I don’t smell a thing.”
“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.”
“Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?”
“We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.”
“ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?”
“Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.”
“Oh yeah, like what else?”
“Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.”
“What?”
“You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized.
An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.”
“Can you give me a for instance?”
“God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.”
“This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.”
“In a nut shell, yeah.”
It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping.
“That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.”
“What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically.
“You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.”
“Then what, already?” I asked impatiently.
“You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.”
“Ummm … yeah I guess.”
“Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!”
“All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.”
“I’ll see what I can do. No promises.”
“So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.”
“It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking.
“Parker?”
Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket.
“Parker … are you done? Is that it?”
He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep.
“Parker … just like that?”
He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined.
“Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.”
I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream.
As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. One can’t be too dismissive of the unexplainable these days.
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Everyone should know that when testosterone is metabolized, it produces DHT as one of the by-products, which is what allows your muscles and erections to grow. That is a good thing! However, DHT that doesn't get burned up during sex or working out is also what is at the root of your prostate problems to begin with.
The fact of the matter is that DHT is always being produced, and a lot of us simply cannot burn it off fast enough--no matter how much we work out in the gym or how much sex we have.
In the case of prostate problems, one camp blames a lack of testosterone while the other camp blames too much of it. I have even heard of a doctor suggesting castration as a means of preventing the spread of prostate cancer because he believed it was the only way to prevent testosterone from acting as fuel for the cancer.
Talk about a case of throwing away both the baby and the bathwater!
I'm sure that we've all heard at some point or another the notion that more sex is the solution to prostate problems, citing as evidence the high incidence of prostate cancer in celibate priests. Let's think about this for a moment: If more sex was really the solution, how come a certain rock-star died from prostate cancer? Also, if prostate cancer is the number one cancer killer of males, were all these murdered males celibate? Not likely...
While plain common sense would indicate that utter sexual abstinence may be harmful over the course of a lifetime, prostate cancer remains the number one cancer-killer of males DESPITE the fact that very few males are either rock stars or priests!
So, prostate cancer has little to do with sexual activity or the testosterone that fuels it. Rather, it is an issue of how we handle the excessive DHT in our bodies. With today's meat and hormone-filled diets it should be no wonder that our current report card is so poor.
This is why pro-hormone supplementation is replete with warnings that people with prostate problems should not be taking their products. (Bodybuilders love excess DHT which they can direct into their muscle tissue.)
Benign prostatic hyperplasia, often referred to as simply BPH, is an enlargement of the prostate gland that usually occurs in men who are over the age of 50. This enlargement in the prostate gland can cause a gradual squeezing of the urethra, which makes urinating difficult and painful. Many men who experience this prostate problem do not have any symptoms at all and it may not be detected until an annual rectal exam. Men with this prostate problem who do experience symptoms are likely to notice difficulty in starting urination, frequent urination as well as an increased frequency in awakening at night to urinate.
Prostate cancer, another prostate problem, is perhaps the most severe and is one of the leading types of cancers diagnosed in American men. Each year almost a quarter of a million new cases are diagnosed. It is estimated that prostate cancer will affect one out of every ten men. Each year more than 30,000 men die from prostate cancer. Because of the seriousness of this prostate problem, prostate cancer is perhaps the most serious of all the different types of prostate disease. Prostate cancer generally occurs in men who are over the age of 65, although cases in younger men have been reported. There is a high incidence of prostate cancer occurring in men who are shown to have a family history of this type of prostate disease. African-American men are considered to be particularly at risk for prostate cancer and suffer from the highest death rates related to this disease.
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Just about everyone is aware that a male or a female can contact genital herpes from someone who has this sexually transmitted disease. This type of herpes virus is very well known as HSV-2. Recent studies have proven that this herpes virus can also be passed on orally.
Both sets of symptoms are very similar to one another. Blisters and sores can appear on different parts of the body. Although as the name suggests, those who have contacted oral herpes will have signs of the virus on the mouth. While those who have contacted genital herpes will show signs of the disease on the penis of the male, and vagina or cervix of the female. In some cases, the virus may also be inside the urinary tract of both males or females.
Oral herpes will first begin as lesions. Doctors refer to the initial outbreak as the primary episode. These lesions will appear between two to tens days after the start of the infection. These are small red lesions that will mature into blisters, and then turn into full-blown sores.
The infected individual’s gums will become swollen and red. There have been incidents with some patients where their tongues develop a white coating. This condition will last for two to three weeks. After that time, they will dry up, and heal without scaling.
In addition to the obvious physical signs of oral herpes, other symptoms may be finding it difficult to eat, running a fever, feelings of irritability, and muscle pain. The varying symptoms make it very difficult for the doctor to conclusively tell if the patient has oral herpes. It is not until the sores or blisters begin to appear on the face that a final diagnosis of oral herpes can be made.
Oral herpes, just like genital herpes, is passed on while touching, kissing, and during intercourse.
Unfortunately, an infected adult can also unintentionally transmit this to a child with a simple good night kiss. The good news regarding this infection, is that oral herpes can be controlled with the proper medication.
Proper hygiene goes a long way in helping to prevent the spread of oral herpes. People should wash their face regularly, especially the affected area, with soap and water. For someone infected with this disease, it is important to remember not to hold, or even touch an infant, since the immune system of a baby will be unable to fight off this disease.
Oral herpes may last longer than another type of herpes virus. The reason is stress. Those who are not highly stressed individuals can recover in two weeks, while those who have to face the daily pressures of work, or home life, and find doing so to be difficult, will suffer a little while longer.
Anti-viral tablets are the best-known medication to help control oral herpes. Studies have shown that these medications can also help to prevent the disease from recurring.
Some patients are forced to be confined in the hospital, and to undergo IV medication until they recover. This happens only to those patients who are suffering from severe cases of oral herpes, or to infants and young children.
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I heard a well-known psychologist state, “a man falls in love with the way his woman makes him feel when she’s around him.” As a husband and father of three, I say, “Yes, that’s true!”
But, how do you make her feel?
There are many qualities that make a good man – providing for your family, being a good parent, being the spiritual leader of your family, and so on…
However, like many men, I am also fixated, to a degree, on how I look and how I perform sexually. I’m not sure where this comes from in men, but I know that I am not alone.
I’ve heard women state, “size doesn’t matter.” I’ve also heard women refer to their lovers as, “minute men.” I know personally, and because my wife and I do share our feelings with one another, truthfully, that size and duration of sex does matter, for her. I suspect she is not alone either.
So personally, this is one more area where I strive to make my wife happy. I’ll correct myself. As she would say, “it’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m just happier, now.”
In order for anyone to apply any of what I write, it is important that first, you and your partner communicate. And, you must both be TRUTHFUL.
So, does your wife think penis size is important? Here’s a little scenario to see for yourself, if your partner is satisfied with your penis size. Only use this if you’re both open-minded in the “size” conversation. Otherwise, it may cause problems. Here it is:
Tell her: 'Imagine there is another guy that is an exact duplicate of me, like a clone. Body, personality, everything is the same except one thing. The clone has a smaller penis than mine. One inch less in length and circumference. Now imagine the two of us in front of you. Which one do you choose to have sex with?'
If you don't belong to the less than 0.1% of men whose penises are just too big for most women, she will choose you of course. But maybe she feels the trick coming and decides that she wants both of you because she 'likes variety'. Insist that she can only have one because the other one will evaporate or whatever. She will surely choose you above the clone.
Then continue: 'Okay, now imagine this same clone but with a larger penis than mine, one inch more in length and circumference. Who do you choose now?'
She will not answer it. True, it is a dirty question that brings out the truth and shows the deepest desire of your woman. It is a no-win situation for you because even if she chooses you above the bigger one you won't believe her. But let's say she insists and repeats that she really doesn't want it to be bigger. Trick her like this: 'Okay, pretend I do not exist and there are only the two clones, one with a penis smaller than mine and one with a penis larger than mine. Who do you choose now?'
Force her to choose, just as she was able to choose earlier on. She will most likely choose the bigger one. All this means is that no healthy normal girl will choose the guy with the small penis if all other things about them are equal. And that bigger is most of the times better and that in her mind she might wish you were a bit bigger.
Attention: don't use this trick unless she lies to you about the size of your penis. Otherwise you are simply creating a problem instead of solving one. {Pg. 43, penissizedebate.com}
The truth is, for some men, even if their partners are happy, size does matter. I would offer this though – to try to compare penis size to breast size in women, let’s say aesthetically, doesn’t work. Breasts are evident; we men get to see what we’re getting beforehand. A man’s package is not so evident (for very large men, it can be). So women tend to focus more on the eyes, hair-style, dress/fashion, smell, etc.
Regardless, I’ve been body-building and nutrition for over twenty years, and I want my wife to be aesthetically attracted to all of my body. These have been my experiences, with a variety of products.
I had reached a goal with my physique, where I was very happy with myself. My muscle size was above average, there was symmetry, my skin was healthy, and I carried an air of confidence. Then, I removed my briefs… My muscles had grown, they had hardness to them; I was cut. But, below the belt, I was the same size as I was before weight training. So, my first attempt to increase size was with penis pills.
I ordered one brand that I saw advertised on television. The product insert recommended a certain dosage and that I perform some penis exercises, commonly referred to as “jelging.” Jelging requires that you stretch and manipulate the penis to achieve a semi-erect state. Then, while holding the blood in the penis with an “ok” sign grip, you would continue to force blood, with a stroking motion towards the head of the penis.
After just about two weeks of the jelging-pill combination I saw a noticeable increase in size, mostly in the flaccid state. One day, while exiting the bathroom after a shower, my wife made the comment, “nice hang.” So, do women notice? You bet! Because, I became more confident with the new size, I inadvertently became more confident with the act of sex. My erect size, although not as evident as the flaccid state, increased too.
I had reached a plateau, but wanted to be bigger. I was interested in marketing a pump-device, used by a prominent doctor (M.D.) in the penis-enlargement industry. So, I ordered one.
I used the pump the day I received it. After just one half hour session, my response was “Wow!” When I came out of the bathroom, my wife looked down and her eyes just about popped out of her head. Unfortunately, after about an hour, the results subsided, but I was inspired to continue with the recommended protocol. We often had sex, while I was in this increased size state, and my wife felt a very noticeable difference. A ring placed around the base of the penis, designed to maintain blood in the erect penis prolonged the larger state.
I took “before and after” pictures all through my program. There was a very noticeable increase in flaccid state size, and now, even some increase in erect size. Once again, my wife made the comment, “ummm… that’s a good size.” However, this was during penetration. She also commented on how “Full” she felt, this was referring to the increase in girth. I achieved a size that I was very happy and comfortable with. So, I decreased the frequency of pump sessions. I now only pump once a week at most, more so, once every two weeks.
In addition, I’ve continued to take the PE (penis enlargement) Pills, and I’ve added one that increases seminal fluid output during ejaculation. I am now, like woman are fortunate to be able to do, experiencing multiple orgasms. This feels GREAT! This is referred to as, “The Ropes.”
Another product I use, that contains a synergistic blend of ten different Chinese herbs. I am over 40 years old, and I’ve noticed a decrease in the amount of times I can achieve an erection in a time period. While taking this product, which I only do when I’m anticipating a sexual encounter, I achieve harder, longer lasting erections. My refractionary time is shortened, meaning I need less “down time” between orgasms. I have now, like I did in my early twenty’s, gone 4-5 times a night! These results have lasted me 24, or more hours. So far, this product has worked the first time, every time.
With a hectic, busy schedule, that includes caring for and raising three small children, our sex life had seemed to take a dive. One thing we made a point to do was to create a “date night.” The other was to create a night that we planned to have sex on. This created some exciting anticipation, which promotes some preparation for the encounter. The preparation is exciting too! The increases in size I’ve attained and the addition of the herbal products I use have added newness to our relationship after ten years together.
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It’s an obvious misnomer to believe that all men think about every day or all the time is sex. The fact is a man’s mind is usually filled with the daily issues of finances, politics, sports especially if their favorite team is losing—and sex.
Women, this is a prime opportunity to get and hold his attention—literally. Giving a guy a hand job is good. Giving him a better orgasm with a little mouth action is even better.
So here are a few techniques to blow…his mind and take him to the peak of ecstasy with an even better orgasm.
As women we are definitely masters at creating a romantic atmosphere. So here are some more ideas on getting the timing right and setting the mood using a few good skills and techniques that will drive your man to a better orgasm. So get ready, be open-minded and add your own creative touches as you surprise him with a better orgasm.
Start by providing scent-ual stimulations. Place his favorite scent between your breast and any other place he likes to nibble. Next, wear sheer lingerie. There’s something about sheer lingerie that stimulates the imagination—send his mind into overdrive.
Undress him and bring him to the edge of a better orgasm by giving him a sensual massage. Use edible oils to lick your way over his body. By the time you’re done, he’ll be begging for you to ride him. But, remember this is his time to have a mind blowing orgasm. Resist the urge to climb on for a wild ride. Now, choose a unique location such as a sturdy chair, have your sensory stimulating toys and edible oils nearby.
Ladies its time to enjoy your treat! Imagine eating an ice cream cone—the licking, sucking and satisfying sounds that you make. Take his erection in hand and lick your way up from the base of penis to the crown. Pay special attention to the crown since the nerve ending are very sensitive to stimulation.
Run your tongue up and down the length of his penis. You can also add a flavored lubricant for added wetness. Take his penis into your mouth with a swallowing motion and pump it back and forth to create rhythmic suction with your mouth.
Turn the heat up for an even better orgasm, add variation by using the tip of your tongue and firmly stroke his penis working your way down to his testicles. Stroke his penis while adding the stimulation of licking his testicles.
Be inventive, run circles around the head of his penis. Alternate your stoking technique. Remember it’s important to vary your sucking and stroking. His hip movements will let you know that he’s enjoying it.
So, what are you going to do when he starts to climax? It’s extremely important to decide this beforehand that way you’re prepared. If you choose to swallow, then keep sucking with gusto showing him that its’ still all about helping him achieve a better orgasm. If you choose not to swallow an alternative is to use an open-mouth technique that allows you to suck as he ejaculates, opening your mouth will allow his load to run down his penis—actually acting as a lubricant.
Ladies, now is the time to let him see what he’s been missing…a better orgasm that will take him to the pinnacles of sexual pleasure. A better orgasm is not just about sex, it’s about unleashing primal desires, wild fantasies…turning him on. Now that you’ve learned a terrific technique for giving him a little mouth action practice it—he will definitely be a willing participant.
Copyright 2005 – E.J. Davis
