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"My girlfriend dumped me because she says I 'wasn't there' when we made love. She's not the first to say this. I know something's wrong. Can hypnotherapy help me?"
Your sexual dysfunction means you engage in sex more as an observer than as a participant.
You hold yourself back from entering a trance state; you have difficulty "letting go."
There are several ways in which a qualified hypnotherapist can help you to conquer this problem. Before using hypnosis it is essential that you receive competent medical advice.
Hypnotherapy will have a particular focus depending on whether the problem is organic or psychological.
Organic sexual problems require medical intervention. Hypnotherapy may be used as an adjunct, for instance, in helping you to heal faster after an operation.
More frequently, sexual difficulties treated by a hypnotherapist concern psychological issues.
Since the process deals with your mind all sexual activity during hypnotherapy takes place only in your imagination.
What you learn through hypnotherapy is practiced privately elsewhere.
Hypnotherapy may be used to heighten your sensual involvement and to help you to be fully present while engaging in sex.
A common, effective use of hypnotherapy is to lower your anxiety.
The anticipation of failure (particularly for men anxious about their ability to have or to maintain an erection) brings on anxious feelings.
These in turn bring about the failure. Hypnotherapy ends this vicious circle and replaces the anticipation of failure with the certainty of success and confidence.
Traditional sex therapy methods are more readily accepted by you when in hypnosis because the conscious, judgmental, analytical part of your mind is temporarily set aside.
Your subconscious then absorbs the new, positive messages you've asked the hypnotherapist to create.
Precisely because hypnosis taps into the autonomic nervous system, a person can use it to improve or alter functions that normally happen without conscious control, e.g., a man's erection.
Charles, a 27-years-old former sailor and currently an electrician, consulted a hypnotherapist because he was too fearful to have sex with his wife.
They'd been married three years and had had sexual difficulties since the birth of their daughter eight months previously. Charles was afraid he'd been embarrassed once again if he tried to make love.
"Kim laughed at me the first time and now she just gives me a look of disgust." Why? Because he couldn't maintain an erection.
Charles felt humiliated and frustrated; he worried that he'd never again have satisfactory sex with his wife. His dream of fathering a son seemed unattainable.
He told the hypnotherapist that he had no problem masturbating when alone. This was a likely indicator that Charles' problem was psychological, not organic.
As was Charles' report that he always had a firm erection when having sex with the occasional housewife in whose home he was doing electrical work.
To be on the safe side, the hypnotherapist advised Charles to be examined by a medical specialist to be absolutely sure there was no organic cause for his ED.
The doctor confirmed that Charles' trouble was "100 per cent psychogenic," meaning that for some emotional or psychological reason, he could not maintain an erection.
Of course, the more Charles tried, and the more he worried, the more flaccid was his penis.
The hypnotherapist explained to Charles that hypnosis could be used to uncover the cause of his trouble, or to tackle the symptom, or both.
Charles, being the impatient type, and of course eager to end his humiliating experiences, opted for the "quick fix."
Over the course of three sessions of hypnotherapy, Charles relived successful love-making episodes from his younger years as a Navy "stud."
Then the therapist used a melding technique to encourage Charles to see himself (in his imagination, while hypnotized) from now on once again enjoying a full, firm erection well beyond the time needed to satisfy his partner.
Positive suggestions were also made by the hypnotherapist to Charles about his prowess, his confidence and his desirability to his wife.
For three months Charles and Kim had a wonderful sex life. Then he lost an erection just as foreplay had become hot and heavy.
Kim, hurt and disappointed, reacted with sarcasm. All Charles' fears and anxieties rushed back. He returned to the hypnotherapist.
This time Charles agreed to investigate the cause of his impotence.
The hypnotherapist used various approaches -- age regression, age progression (in which the "future" Charles was to explain how he'd conquered the problem) analogue symbolic imagery -- but nothing worked.
In a subsequent session, with Charles relaxed in hypnosis, the therapist told Charles he'd have a dream. His subconscious would provide this dream as a way, either directly or symbolically, to explain the origin of his impotence.
Three nights later Charles dreamed he was outside a factory. It was night time and the factory loomed dark and mysterious.
Charles felt a strong urge to scale the steel fence that surrounded the factory. Then he tried to find away in. All the doors were shut and padlocked. A security guard ("very scary, because he had my face," said Charles) told him to go away.
But Charles persisted in his eagerness to enter the factory. He ran from the guard, to the back of the building. Here was the loading dock. Charles saw a bulldozer there. He jumped into its cab and began to operate the controls.
The guard reappeared, feebly told Charles to get off the property, to go to his own place. In the distance, Charles could see a stately castle which he somehow knew belonged to him.
But his only interest was in the dark factory. The guard shrugged. Charles started up the bulldozer and charged the heavy machine toward the small back door of the factory.
As the bulldozer began to rumble forward, Charles awoke -- with a massive erection.
The dream puzzled Charles. But it enlightened the therapist. To him it revealed that Charles was in the grip of the Madonna/Whore complex.
This is the attitude that divides women into "good" and "bad." Thus, a man's wife and especially mother, are "good." Prostitutes, other men's wives and and women of ethnic groups other than the man's own, are "bad."
"Bad" women are exciting; "good" women are boring. Sex is forbidden with "good" women but possible with the "bad."
A man with this complex may have sex with his wife occasionally, or until she becomes a mother, or while a post-hypnotic suggestion lasts. But his heart is not in it. Neither is his penis.
However, with a "bad" woman he has no commitment, no respect. She is there to be used.
His conscience (the security guard) barely bothers him about penetrating the stranger (the dark factory) but, perversely, does prevent him enjoying "his" woman (the castle).
When Charles heard this explanation, he nodded in agreement. This was indeed his view. And that of his father, uncle and most of his friends. He had no serious interest in changing this outlook, especially since Kim had announced she was pregnant. The hypnotherapist's suggestion that Charles and Kim seek marriage counselling fell on deaf ears.
A lawyer we shall call Mathilde did seek help from a psychotherapist. She had told the referring doctor that she rarely had an orgasm. The truth was that Mathilde never had an orgasm -- with her husband.
She'd been faking it for years. But she had climaxed with previous boyfriends. Also during a two-night stand a few months ago.
Mathilde had been a speaker at a lawyers' convention a thousand miles from home. There she met Roger, a brooding electrical engineer who had been trouble-shooting the hotel's elevators.
"He was not particularly good-looking but he had these soft grey eyes," Mathilde confided to the therapist. She smiled. "He was brutal in bed."
Mathilde was mildly surprised to find herself telling the male therapist details she had not felt comfortable confiding to her female doctor.
There was no question of her wanting to leave the marriage. She loved her husband, had a marvellous life. All that was missing ws the joy of orgasm. It was something she yearned for.
Until she met Roger the lack of orgasms with her husband had not bothered her much. Mathilde had become used to pretending -- and to satisfying herself in secret.
The therapist faced two dilemmas:
i) perhaps, despite Mathilde's conscious denials, there was some problem between her and her husband
ii) the therapist usually worked with couples, not individuals, on such sexual challenges.
He decided that, given the husband was not present and would be unlikely to come to future sessions, he would work with Mathilde, and he would use hypnotherapy. If the outcome was successful, there would be no need to explore possible conflicts between husband and wife.
First the therapist explained a little about hypnosis and how it could help Mathilde. Her first session was devoted to her simply relaxing into hypnosis, and becoming familiar with how safe and peaceful it felt.
In Mathilde's second and third sessions of hypnosis the therapist suggested Mathilde silently relive an earlier experience of orgasm.
In her mind she was to take particular note of the physical and emotional feelings which allowed her to climax.
When the orgasm in her imagination was over she would open her eyes, though remain in hypnosis.
Then the therapist pointed out, and Mathilde confirmed, that she had been internally very relaxed just prior to making love. And that during foreplay and intercourse, she became "lost" in the pleasure.
The therapist asked Mathilde to again close her eyes and this time to imagine herself in bed with her husband. Again she could relive the details silently, no need to tell the therapist anything, except when the imagined lovemaking was over.
When Mathilde compared the earlier experience with how she felt when making love with her husband she immediately noticed her tension.
"I am not relaxed and I don't get lost in the act." Sometimes she thought about cases she was working on and at other times she focused on making sure her husband was satisfied.
In the next part of the session the therapist first gave Mathilde suggestions that she could allow herself to relax with her husband, that she could allow herself to climax with him.
The therapist again waited silently while Mathilde played the scene through in her mind.
When she signalled (with a broad smile) that the scene had reached a successful end, the therapist closed the session with positive suggestions about Mathilde allowing herself to be relaxed, focused on pleasure and allowed to climax when making love with her husband.
And so it was.
* * *
Hypnotherapy has also been used successfully to overcome other sexual problems such as overlubrication, exhibitionism, and to uncover the reason a client became a transvestite.
Before seeking help with a sexual difficulty it is important to be sure it really is a problem. For example, a man may go to a therapist because he believes he suffers from premature ejaculation. But if the man is married to a woman who dislikes sex, indeed "wants it over with as soon as possible," that's exactly what is happening, so where's the problem?
Twenty-five years old Eugene's problem was real enough: he could not become erect. A handsome, single, bus driver, Eugene had had several medical examinations; all the doctors had concluded there was no medical cause for his impotence.
At first, hypnotherapy did not help Eugene. He became more and more despondent about his failure, scared to date and unable to sleep at night.
The hypnotherapist had used approaches one or more of which usually resolve psychogenic impotence:
> positive suggestions
> aversive therapy
> satisfying imagery
> arm rigidity
But nothing worked.
The hypnotherapist finally decided to enlist the guidance of Eugene's subsconscious through finger signalling and direct relay of images in response to questions.
(With finger signalling -- also known as an ideodynamic technique -- a hypnotized person allows the subconscious to answer questions with predesignated fingers that represent "Yes," "No," "Don't Know," and "Not yet ready to answer").
This approach proved fruitful, although at first puzzling.
Hypnotherapist: "I'm going to ask your subconscious some questions. There's no need for you to think about the questions or the answers. Simply allow your subconscious to respond through the fingers it has selected.
You will probably feel a tingling begin in the finger that the subsconscious selects. Then it will lift as though of its own accord.
Now, I'd like to ask your subconscious if there is a purpose served by Eugene's impotence?"
[This question is often answered "yes" and subsequently leads to an explanation such as a desire to punish self or partner for some reason].
[Fimger responses are indicated with ( )].
Eugene: (No).
H: "Does the cause of the problem lie in Eugene's past?"
E: (Yes).
[This response steered the hypnotherapist along the wrong path. He took no account of the literalness with which the subconscious absorbs information. Consequently, the hypnotherapist understood the "Yes" response to mean that there was a specific event, a trauma or a message, that began Eugene's impotence. As was later revealed, the "cause in the past" referred, not to a particular event, but to an ongoing process.]
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 20?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Did the cause happen before Eugene was 15?"
E: (Yes).
H: "Before 10?"
E: (No).
[Now the hypnotherapist, who erroneously assumes some single event happened, switches from finger responses to image responses].
H: "Okay. I'm going to ask the subconscious to present to your mind an image that is somehow connected to the problem we're dealing with."
E: "I'm in a shop. I don't know how old I am but a man picks me up. I'm very scared. He holds me to him. Someone else comes in and tells the man to put me down."
[The hypnotherapist thinks that it is possible something happened in the shop to subsequently cause Eugene to become impotent. However, further questioning reveals that Eugene sees little more than he has already reported. There appears to be no abuse, no negative messages (such as "You'll never be a man.")
The session is drawing to a close so the therapist reverts to ideomatic questioning. He decided to check the medical verdicts].
H: "Does the problem have any medical basis to it?"
E: [Long pause]. (No).
H: "Is there something physical that would help?"
E: (No).
H: "Is there something missing in Eugene's diet, or something he should not be eating or drinking?"
E: (Don't know/don't want to answer yet).
[Eugene snaps out of hypnosis, much to his own surprise. In previous sessions for other problems Eugene had enjoyed hypnosis so much he had been reluctant to emerge. He puts himself back into hypnosis].
H: "Okay. Our time is nearly up. I want to thank your subconscious for its help. I'm now asking it to provide you with a dream that will give you a strong indication on how to solve the problem that brought you here."
[Eugene once again snaps out of hypnosis].
H: "Wow. We're clearly close to something significant, otherwise you wouldn't come out so suddenly."
E: "I don't understand why. But while you were talking about me having a dream something floated into my mind: smoking."
H: [Incredulous]. "You smoke!"
E: "Yes, a lot."
H: "There you are. That's what your subconscious was telling us: the cause of your impotence is smoking! Have you stopped before?"
E: "Yes. For a while."
H: "And did you have erections okay then?"
E: [Thinks back]. "Yes, I did. I did."
[And the shop? Why did the subconscious throw that memory into Eugene's mind? Perhaps because the shop sold cigarettes.]
Copyright (c) 2005 Bryan M. Knight
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Mums to be can often get worried about having sex while pregnant; well there is no medical evidence that having sexual intercourse whilst pregnant does any damage at all.
There are a few cases where your GP may advise you about not having intercourse:
- If you are Prone to miscarriages your GP may advise avoiding intercourse for the first three months or at the times when you would have been having your period when your hormones would be at their lowest.
- You may be advised to avoid intercourse in the later stages of pregnancy if you have a history of premature labour
- Your GP may advise you to avoid intercourse if you have a low lying placenta
There is no need to worry about your baby being harmed by the penetration of the penis as it is well protected. This protection comes from the Muscular wall of the uterus, from the mucus plug that seals the neck of the uterus, and from the bag of waters.
Sexual intercourse will not start labour if the body is not ready. However, if your baby is overdue, arousal of the nipple and intercourse could help in starting labour. The prostaglandins in semen soften the cervix, and hormones released by nipple stimulation encourage the uterus to contract.
Sexual desires during pregnancy differ from person to person. Some women may just feel too ill or tired for sex, or a man may worry about harming the unborn child. Some women may just not feel sexually attractive whilst pregnant. In these cases it is best to talk as a couple to reassure each other of the others feelings.
On the other hand many couples feel that pregnancy can do wonders for the sex life. Many men may be aroused by the fuller breasts and rounder hips of a pregnant partner. Some women feel great about not having to worry about contraceptives and periods.
Well beyond all of that is the actual partaking in sexual intercourse where some people often worry. Of course as the pregnancy develops, the missionary position becomes impossible, which on a plus side forces into exploring other ways to make love. A few ideas are:
- Woman on top – this not only gives the man a great view, but also lets the woman stay in control of position and penetration.
- Rear entry positions – take time to find a position that is comfortable for you these rear entry positions also allow the man more penetration
- Spoons – this is where both partners lye on their side and the man penetrates from behind, this gives shallower penetration which is more comfortable for some ladies during the later stages of pregnancy
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Acne is a well-known and extremely common skin disease that affects millions around the world. Although this disorder generally begins during the teenage years, it can persist or even start in adulthood. Symptoms of acne depend on the general type, of which there are two. Non-inflammatory acne is apparent only close to the skin where blackheads and whiteheads can be seen. Inflammatory acne, on the other hand, is characterized by red pimples and pustules, and sometimes even inflamed cysts and nodules. When the skin starts to change, get red, and show bumps, the immediate perception is that this is acne. When acne treatment fails, however, it sometimes turns out that the skin change was due to another, less understood skin condition called rosacea.
Rosacea is a progressive vascular skin disorder that starts as a flush on the central part of the face and across the cheeks. Sometimes the flush is found on the neck, chest, ears, or scalp, but this is less common. Other early rosacea symptoms include persistent redness, red bumps on the skin, burning sensations, and small blood vessels that can be seen just under the surface of the skin.
There are four main subtypes of rosacea. Just as rosacea can coincide with acne, the subtypes are not mutually exclusive. These four subtypes are:
(1) Erythematotelangiectatic rosacea--persistent redness along with easy flushing or blushing. Small blood vessels are often visible under the skin.
(2) Papulopustular rosacea--easily confused with acne, this subtype has persistent redness accompanied by red bumps, some of which may contain pus.
(3) Phymatous rosacea--thickened skin, nodules on the surface of the skin, and enlargement of the nose, including small blood vessels near the surface of the skin.
(4) Ocular rosacea--eyes and eyelids become dry and irritated. There may also be itching, tearing, burning, and other strange bodily sensations.
As a disorder, experts still know relatively little about rosacea. One common theory about its origin is that it's a consequence of damaged blood vessels that were weakened by repeated dilations, such as that caused by blushing, strenuous exercise, and stress. This fits with the subpopulations that are generally most affected with rosacea; many are fair-skinned with European or Celtic origins, and most between 30 and 60 years of age. Women develop rosacea more frequently than men, although it is generally less severe.
Although rosacea is not yet curable, it can certainly be treated and controlled to a large degree. Controlling the disorder usually involves preventing flare-ups. Heat, exercise, spicy foods and drinks, alcohol, wind, menopause, stress, and harsh facial products can all trigger rosacea symptoms. Sunlight is another well-known irritant, so wearing a good sunscreen is a key preventative measure. Dermatologists can recommend several courses of treatment for rosacea, including oral antibiotics, topical antibiotics, and eye drops. A gentle cleansing regimen is also suggested.
Over 45 million people worldwide suffer from some form of rosacea, yet despite these statistics, the disorder is still relatively unknown. Part of this problem is that the more obvious symptoms are sometimes shared with other skin disorders, including acne. Many people take a wait-and-see approach to skin disorders, assuming that they will get easier with time. Since this is not the case for rosacea, the condition may get much worse before treatment is sought, and the skin may take longer to recover. The important thing to note about rosacea is that it can be treated and the earlier the treatment the better. If you think there is a chance that you may have rosacea, make sure you talk to your doctor to rule out this disorder.
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Genital herpes affects everyone, especially males. Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex one virus. Genital herpes is also highly contagious and is considered a sexually transmitted disease. When men have unprotected sex, whether it is oral, vaginal or anal intercourse, they put themselves at risk for contracting genital herpes. For every added partner the man has unprotected intercourse with the higher he makes his chances of contracting genital herpes. The huge problem with herpes is that a man may have no symptoms of a genital herpes outbreak yet still pass the disease to others. Genital herpes are tricky in that even though a person who has herpes is unaware or does not have an outbreak at that moment they still can spread herpes.
Herpes on the penis tend to be a lot more noticeable than herpes contracted by a woman. Unlike men women can get herpes on their cervix making it impossible to know. Men will generally see herpes outbreaks occur on the penis near the head and, if the outbreak produces enough blisters the man may have trouble urinating as the hole is covered. Herpes outbreaks will also end up on the scrotum which makes it worse for males. Since the genital on men is highly sensitive, herpes blisters will hurt a lot more for men than women.
Herpes outbreaks when they first occur generally have symptoms which may be confusing to some people with having an illness. The first few outbreaks of genital herpes men will have will be the hardest to deal with as most men are not used to having painful sores all over their penis and scrotum. Unfortunately even today with all the medical research done on sexually transmitted diseases there is no known cure for treating herpes.
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"Enthusiasm is worth any pot of cream ever offered."
Can you be a President or a Prime Minister if you are bald? Many political advisers suggest that a Presidential or Prime Ministerial candidate should have plenty of hair and an attractive, youthful image. They see image as a very important part of success.
Bill Clinton has plenty of hair. So do George Bush and Tony Blair. How important is a young and attractive image for success?
Recently, there was a discussion in a TV program about the value of cosmetic surgery. One speaker, Anna Raeburn (the broadcaster and journalist) commented that:
"Age is like the weather; you can't do much about it and need to make friends with it. I cannot see myself choosing to have a knife in my face. I would prefer to work at my diet and so on. I'm 60 and I prefer to focus on more important things."
She added later: "I refuse to disappear because of my birthday. I do not need to compete with younger people."
Anna believes, like her mother, that the secret to looking good is enthusiasm not cosmetic surgery:
"My mother used to say: 'Enthusiasm is worth any pot of cream ever offered.'"
However, an increasing number of people are turning to cosmetic surgery.
Some have been called names like 'big lips' because their lips were abnormally big. Surgery can mean freedom from verbal abuse for people like them.
Others are not happy with themselves even though others do not notice. It matters to them what they think of themselves.
Natalie Turner, a model and presenter, had a bump removed from her nose. She also had breast enlargement. The surgery increased her confidence.
She believes that God gave us brains to decide what to do about our own bodies.
The emails into the program also had mixed viewpoints:
-Every one should go for it because it makes you feel wonderful.
-People who have plastic surgery are deluding themselves. Grow old gracefully.
-People are too obsessed with their bodies. They are trying to become perfect in an imperfect world.
My personal preference would be for enthusiasm without the surgery. I have attended several martial arts seminars where some instructors looked like true martial artists i.e. slim, fit and muscular. Others looked unfit and even overweight. Once they started speaking and instructing, I no longer cared what they looked like.
Some of the most overweight and ordinary looking turned out to be full of enthusiasm for what they were teaching. They were brilliant instructors and that was all that really mattered. I won't mention their names as it might be safer not to insult their looks!
In the world of politics, Eisenhower was a great President and he did not have much hair. Atlee was one of the greatest British Prime Ministers and he was practically bald. Churchill was no male model.
Obviously, it would be good to have enthusiasm and good looks but, given a choice, I would take enthusiasm every time. The spirit within is far more important than the shape without.
